My YOGIST sticky note to communicate better with my coworkers

Compassion. I’ve always viewed this word—which has become a trendy concept in self-help books—with a touch of skepticism. Does it mean having unfailing empathy for others? Being kind and understanding no matter what the circumstances? The interpretations I’d come across seemed either impossible to live up to or overused and applied to every possible situation.

Matthieu Ricard, whom I met in 2018—an interpreter for the Dalai Lama who has done much to promote Buddhist meditation in France—gave me a definition that I find interesting and easy to put into practice. Compassion means asking yourself about the other person, wondering what might be troubling them to cause them to have a negative attitude, and realizing that this attitude isn’t directed at you personally—by not taking things personally. There’s no better way to defuse a conflict or avoid getting worked up!

“Always ask yourself,” he used to say, “when you’re faced with someone who’s unpleasant, cold, or aggressive, what pain is driving them to behave that way?” I experienced this situation at my company, though I wasn’t exactly the hero in it. One of the yoga instructors who worked with YOGIST felt I was being particularly harsh with her, despite her efforts. I kept telling her, “We can do better,” “You still need to improve,” in a dialogue of the deaf where she was convinced that I wasn’t satisfied with her or her work. Then one day, she said to me, “You know, Anne-Charlotte, I don’t hold it against you for being so demanding. You want the best for your mission; it must be very stressful, that weight you’re carrying on your shoulders.” And all the tension vanished.

His comment held up a mirror to me, in which I recognized the words of Matthieu Ricard—words I thought I was applying to others, without realizing that others might need to apply them to me.

It isn’t always helpful to know the details of another person’s distress. Simply recognizing that the person we’re speaking with is acting out of some form of suffering—whatever it may be—is enough to defuse any combative tendencies and prevent us from feeling personally targeted. Creating an atmosphere of trust with family, friends, and colleagues—where everyone feels comfortable sharing their problems and feelings—allows us to better understand each other’s struggles. And to better accept their reactions. In turn, observe what triggers your own reactions, what “pushes your buttons.” Learn to identify the situations that set off your reactions so you can better defuse them or avoid them.

Effective communication starts with listening—and that’s not as easy as it sounds!

Agree not to interrupt the other person, even if you think you’re right. Wait until the other person has finished their sentence, then roll your tongue around in your mouth five times (yes, really!) or take three deep breaths before responding. Avoid using the imperative at all costs, and steer clear of the phrase: “If I were you…”. Make an effort to speak in the same tone and at the same pace as the person you’re talking to so you can understand each other better.

Teach your employees and managers how to manage their own stress and team stress
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